Apr 7, 2017

Gimme an R!

I watched the (edited-who knew there was a version with boobs?!) video for Rock You hundreds of times as a kid, because Video Hits needed Canadian content and Helix was prime CanCon, so I was pretty pumped for some spelling tonight at the iconic band's hometown show.

Brian Vollmer is reminiscent of a rock and roll version of the Cryptkeeper at this point, but, accompanied by the hijinks of the band, still put on a great show. I kept hoping the long, stringy-haired guitar player's willy would fling out of his ripped up jeans and leather chaps (dude did a lot of calisthenics), to no avail.

Of the couple hundred or so attendees (even Jesus wasn't loved in his hometown, as the lyrics of one of the band's more recent songs go), a solid 67% of the men were bikers. (I hung out with bikers fairly frequently as a kid, as my hippie mom was part of that scene, and I'm a little embarrassed to admit that, as a not-unattractive woman, I'm kind of scared of them now. We have some serious biker gangs in my town, and a couple of years ago, one of them started hanging out at the bar I frequent. I know that not all guys in gangs are rapists and murderers, but that dude was scary as fuck, and I was glad when he stopped coming around.) The rest of the guys were dads in Danier leather jackets or dudes in light denim and white sneakers. There were also a lot of shirts and jackets bearing liquor logos or Iron Maiden patches.

The heavy metal love ladies in the crowd were of the middle-aged bad-haircut-and-highlights variety, although there were a number of younger women in tight Classic Rock Free 98.1 tank tops or (inexplicably, as this local opener was truly abysmal - the lead singer was chewing gum, for fuck's sake) After the Lounge t-shirts.

I saw them and I loved them all. (Except for that weird teenaged couple humping awkwardly near the front of the crowd. If that kid's jeans weren't covered in jizz by the time we shouted our last "Rock you!", I'd be pretty surprised. Ah, young love...)

Despite the small turnout, there was a lot of love in the crowd for these aging rock and rollers, who probably still get their fair share of backstage blowjobs, if the amount of animal print in the audience at this show is any indication. So if Helix comes to your town and you have fifteen bucks lying around, you should probably go. Because whatcha got? ROCK! And whatcha gonna do? ROCK YOU!