Sep 26, 2013

9 things that I have promised myself will no longer annoy me

I haven't written a list in a while, mostly because the internet is so goddamn full of lists that lists are now one of the things on this list, but here is a list of 9 things that I have promised myself will no longer annoy me, because I'm getting older, man, and I've seen the faces of old people who let stuff annoy them and I'm already predisposed to some pretty serious jowl action and why not do what little I can to preserve that little upturn at the outer corners of my lips, am I right, friends? Of course I am. I'm always right, or at least I am in my own head, and that is ultimately the only place that matters. Okay, lengthy introduction over, and congratulations if you've made it this far. I know that your internet time is valuable; there are two-and-a-half-minute (the average length of time anyone will spend on an internet video according to very scientific research based on my own predilections) videos to watch and lists to read. Here goes:

1. Lists. (But only internet lists. Personal to-do lists are still in Holly-fashion. Sometimes it's the only way that I get anything done because I'm too busy reading internet lists. Plus, the joy I experience when I stroke an item off is unparalleled. Nothing is parallel to it. Not a double rainbow, not an orgasm, not a great night of drinking and dancing. Nothing.)

2. Your shitty grammar. Fuck it. Do what you want. I always know what you mean anyway. Mostly. (But not mine. I will still edit everything I type and be mortified if an apostrophe should go awry.)

3. Lack of original creative content on the internet. (As an aside, I think it's mostly the internet that bugs me.) While I would prefer to see everyone on the cyber-planet coming up with unique ways of expressing themselves, I get that it's hard to do. Sometimes someone else just writes/paints/photographs/sings your thoughts and feelings better than you can yourself. It's cool when you find those things. I've just never really been fond of collages, personally.

4. Telephone solicitations. You're just doing your job, and everyone's gotta make a buck somehow. Oh, who am I kidding? These will still annoy the shit out of me and I'll still hang up on you when you try to continue the conversation after I've told you I'm not interested even though I know you'll probably get in trouble with your assistant manager for not keeping me on the phone long enough.

5. I seem to have lost the point. I'll try to get back on track. Think positively, Holly! These trivial things will no longer have the power to annoy you. Think of them all! Ignore them all!

6. You know what's tough? I am sitting here racking my brain and I can't come up with one more thing that currently annoys me. The backwards toilet paper roll? It's not really that big a deal, even if I can only manage to get one square at a time. The spiders trying to get in? They'll always annoy me. I've come to terms with my fear. University kids wearing stupid outfits? You should have seen some of the outfits I wore to school in my younger years. I wore a Navajo-print jacket over a black catsuit. The jacket had orange in it. And green. And yellow. I also wore a long pink silk blazer over the same catsuit. The catsuit had a turtleneck. Who am I to throw stones at your Juicy ass and your Uggs?

7. Now that I think about it, those Charmin bear commercials will probably always annoy me. And any Geico commercial that doesn't involve the gecko.

8. This list is a complete failure. I tried, man. I really did.

9. For old time's sake, my feet are cold. And you know what? Strangely, it's not annoying at all.